A few years ago I was in a footy tipping competition where for half the year, religiously every week, I would go online and enter my tips. I wasn't just in one competition, I was in many. A good deal of my free thinking time was spent thinking about each week's games, looking up information, and looking at the leaderboard each week.
I did pretty well. I won one competition a few years ago, and won $1300, and just missed out in a big national competition where I almost won a new car but faded to finish third.
I gave all the competitions up a couple of years ago. I realised as much as I enjoyed them, it was stressing me as well. I realised it was consuming my mind so I had to let it go.
Facebook for me is similar. I joined up, found lots of ex-workmates and people I had not seen in years, added them, added all my interest groups, followed tons of pages, anything I was interested in remotely I followed.
Then it became too stressful.
Maybe others can read posts they like and pass on others. In the rules in my head, I had to read every single post, so I would spend time looking at every single thing on my page and I became stressed that I may have missed something. Then facebook made changes, and all the pages and posts didnt make sense or weren't in the right order anymore, that was hard to deal with. Really, I just decided to shut off from it and these days I look at recent posts in Asperger groups but that is about it.
It annoys me somewhat, that I can't just be like everyone else and enjoy the simplicity of small things in life without making it a big deal. It is like unless I can be fully devoted to these small tasks then I must shut them off altogether. Sometimes though, leaving out all the small chaos, can let me reflect better on other more valued things.
I feel deflated. I just got my results from my recent essay for my teaching studies and received 20/40 which although a pass, was not the mark I thought I would get. I understood the essay well, I presented my arguements and my tutor said " it was hard to tell if you understood this or not, as some parts did not show understanding and in other parts you showed excellent understanding".
This was possibly my easiest assignment and I find my bare minimum pass not satisfactory at all. It seems lately I pass with minimum marks or fail by one or two. I hate being a borderline student!
Take Care everyone.
Friday, May 10, 2013
It truly was an instant, on the spot decision. Many on the spectrum have trouble with change. I am not exempt. When my daily routine changes it can throw out my "rhythm" causing anxiety, but I can adapt too. I find the big changes easy, and its the small ones that disturb my mojo.
The hardest thing so far has been that we will be selling many things we no longer use. I made a bold decision and found three used novels on my shelf to put towards the garage sale we are having.
Simply because I have Aspergers does not mean I, nor my son cannot handle change. We both can and do. My son finds a change in furniture in our home very stressful and can be upset for days if my wife moves the couch, but on the other hand he happily moves from different hotel, to different country, to different foods in foreign lands and these do not upset him at all. Perhaps travel is not change for him, it has become routine.
I don't think Aspies need to be wary or scared of traits that are common to us. All of us are individual and we all have our own quirks. Sometimes it feels good just to break free once in awhile and walk with no fear.
Bring on the big change!
Friday, May 3, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
I have enrolled in early childhood teaching this year, with a long term goal of one day specializing in teaching children on the Spectrum.
I know it will be challenging, I haven't really studied since leaving school, but I'm excited to re- activate that part of my mind again, even though the thought of handing in an assignment terrifies me!
By learning and doing something new, I know am pushing my boundaries and I also know this is a good thing. Us Aspies can be too comfortable in our own world and pushing through these boundaries can only be a good thing.
I often don't see any positives in Aspergers but I see the negatives all too frequently.
I now realize that discovering that I have Aspergers has changed the way I think and how I
respond to situations, it's ripped away my confidence too.
Now, often, I find myself not wanting to interact with others and to just try to clear the mess that is in my head. Lots of times I long for the old me - pre diagnosis, other times I'm happy being silent and trying to make sense of the confusion in me.
I am glad my son Hadley is wired differently, and has the quirky nature that is so refreshing, however I don't see any benefits personally for me having Aspergers.
For the young Aspergians, we, can as parents, now develop and teach strategies so they can succeed in this world, but for us older Aspies, our thinking and ways are too ingrained making it hard to sometimes adapt in this frequently fast paced world.
When I was growing up in sleepy New Zealand in the 1970s, as a child we had little choice, few toys, we just did what our parents told us. We of course had the freedom to explore outside and play. Sadly our children today are very restricted in a increasingly computerized and dangerous world. On reflection, I think for me growing up in a quieter world and not having all the distractions and choice that children have today, made life easier as an Aspie for find their place.
It's just I am now more aware, and therefore, think more. Sometimes I think knowledge can be a bad thing. All this thinking wears me out, and I often don't have the confidence to speak out anymore for risk that it's the wrong thing to do, or the wrong thing to say.
This isn't any cry for help or woe is me, or for someone tell me I'm ok. It's just the way it is, we just try develop our own little strategies and ways to cope with our day to day struggle to clear our mind of the chaos.