Saturday, February 2, 2013
I have enrolled in early childhood teaching this year, with a long term goal of one day specializing in teaching children on the Spectrum.
I know it will be challenging, I haven't really studied since leaving school, but I'm excited to re- activate that part of my mind again, even though the thought of handing in an assignment terrifies me!
By learning and doing something new, I know am pushing my boundaries and I also know this is a good thing. Us Aspies can be too comfortable in our own world and pushing through these boundaries can only be a good thing.
I often don't see any positives in Aspergers but I see the negatives all too frequently.
I now realize that discovering that I have Aspergers has changed the way I think and how I
respond to situations, it's ripped away my confidence too.
Now, often, I find myself not wanting to interact with others and to just try to clear the mess that is in my head. Lots of times I long for the old me - pre diagnosis, other times I'm happy being silent and trying to make sense of the confusion in me.
I am glad my son Hadley is wired differently, and has the quirky nature that is so refreshing, however I don't see any benefits personally for me having Aspergers.
For the young Aspergians, we, can as parents, now develop and teach strategies so they can succeed in this world, but for us older Aspies, our thinking and ways are too ingrained making it hard to sometimes adapt in this frequently fast paced world.
When I was growing up in sleepy New Zealand in the 1970s, as a child we had little choice, few toys, we just did what our parents told us. We of course had the freedom to explore outside and play. Sadly our children today are very restricted in a increasingly computerized and dangerous world. On reflection, I think for me growing up in a quieter world and not having all the distractions and choice that children have today, made life easier as an Aspie for find their place.
It's just I am now more aware, and therefore, think more. Sometimes I think knowledge can be a bad thing. All this thinking wears me out, and I often don't have the confidence to speak out anymore for risk that it's the wrong thing to do, or the wrong thing to say.
This isn't any cry for help or woe is me, or for someone tell me I'm ok. It's just the way it is, we just try develop our own little strategies and ways to cope with our day to day struggle to clear our mind of the chaos.